When does a fight turn into abuse?

Abuse is a heavy word. It can be an accusation that probably feels like an exaggeration if it's ever been thrown at you personally. And yet it's very real if you've ever been on the receiving end of it. That is what is so difficult about this topic. It is common that the two people involved see it very differently. Not always but most of the time. We all can watch a situation and know when the line has been crossed, when it goes from just being angry or frustrated to damaging and scary. When we are involved, especially if we are the angry one losing our temper, it's much harder to see when we are crossing that line.  For the sake of a definition, cursing, pushing, hitting, getting in someone's face, throwing things are all in the category of abuse. This is especially true when one person is stronger, older or has more power than the other. When we have engaged in this kind of behavior the most important thing to do is to be accountable, apologize and not let it happen again. If this person is your partner or spouse whether you are the woman or the man this kind of behavior will affect how they feel about you. If it continues, even if it's only once in awhile, it will change the way the person on the receiving end of it feels about the other person. That is the more obvious bad behavior we all know should not be present in our relationships. And that is the definition of abuse we all agree on.

How about the more subtle forms of abuse? It is easier to label it as disrespect because I think it's easier for us all to identify this and not get caught up in whether it's "abusive" or not. It's a tone of voice, a mean spirited dig at you and a general retaliation or punishment for something you've done. This is also poison to your relationship, it's just harder to label and easier downplay. One way to look at this differently is that if your partner feels personally attacked, put down or controlled by you, it doesn't matter whether you think they shouldn't feel this way. They do and you are in a relationship with them. That should be enough to make you stop engaging in the behavior. If instead you spend your energy defending why you're right and telling them that they should just get over it you are compounding the problem. You are telling your spouse you don't really care how they feel and you are missing an opportunity to know and respect their point of view. I am sure if they did or said something you thought was disrespectful you would want them to take it seriously and try to at least understand you. This is where you have to start if you want to repair things. The quicker you stop defending yourself and accept that whatever you did feels bad to your spouse the quicker your relationship will get back to being okay. 

How about if you are on the receiving end and you are confused about whether you are overreacting or this was the case of a line being crossed? If you feel intimidated, controlled, put down or in any way scared that is a huge clue that whatever happened felt abusive to you. If you have that scared feeling when it's happening or when you think of what happened, whatever happened was probably abusive. Whenever fear enters an intimate relationship it changes the dynamics. You cannot give yourself to someone you in any way fear. Whether we realize it or not we begin to emotionally exit the relationship when this happens. Which is why it's always best to take it at face value whenever these feelings do come up. You feel them period. If the relationship is to continue to grow that needs to be enough.

Taking that leap of faith

In continuing last weeks post on trusting again after an affair, here are some thoughts on what comes next. Let's say your partner has done everything to regain your trust. Through all of the difficult and emotional conversations and fights you feel he or she has been remorseful and tried to make things right. They have been open and transparent, going out of their way to make you see they are not hiding anything and have ended the relationship they had. You feel pretty sure nothing is going on right now and that they wouldn't cheat in the near future. But you don't feel the same way you did before. The way you see your partner is different. And even though it is much more positive than it was right after you found out, things are not the same. The whole experience has changed you and there is no going back to the way it was before. So what do you do? If you really are honest with yourself and step back from the situation there are couple of questions to ask. The first is do you need more time? It takes a very long time to get to the other side of a betrayal this huge. Sometimes years, even when your partner is doing all they can to make things right. It can be tempting to force yourself to be further along than you are. And usually your partner wants more than anything for things to be okay, to be reassured you're going to stay. It may be too soon to give them that reassurance. 

If it has been over a year, or maybe a couple of years, and they have been doing everything that I went over in my previous post, the next question is a tougher one. You have to ask yourself if the trust was too broken and whatever happened may be something you just can't get past. You can forgive your partner but you just can't open yourself up to them the same way. This is a very sad and difficult position to be in. Make sure you have someone you trust to talk through with this, ideally someone who is happily married. If you don't then a therapist or someone in your church or synagogue may be able to help. Part of this question involves being realistic about where you end up in this situation. You're innocence about your spouse never cheating is gone. Replaced by the knowledge that we are all human and fall. That 100% certainty is gone. Which is where the leap of faith comes in. It's you looking at all you know about your partner and making a choice to stay. Knowing you can get hurt again and choosing to be there anyways. In a way it's also trusting in yourself, that you will survive and be okay if the worst happens. And choosing to open your heart to your partner, family and the history you have.

Can you get over an affair?

Most people say to themselves that they would never tolerate an affair. If their spouse cheated it would be over, period. Yet when faced with this situation after having built a life together, possibly a family as well, leaving is not so easy. So is it possible to learn to trust again after being so betrayed? The answer is yes, for most people. Although in order to get through this crisis you need certain things from your spouse or partner. If they are able to give you these things there is a good chance you can recover no matter how unimaginable it seems. For most of us you need four things. The first thing you need is the truth about what happened that makes sense to you. You will never feel 100% certaint that you know the truth because your spouses words may not mean much. That's why the best you can hope for is that what they tell you makes sense and they are willing to give you whatever details you feel you need. Most people who have been unfaithful are very reluctant to reveal details their partner may say they need but I have found over the years that if you really need the details, as painful as they may be, it actually does help. The second thing you need is for the partner who cheated to be willing to do whatever it takes to make things right. Even if they've gone over the same thing a hundred times, even if they feel cornered, as hard as it may be, they are willing to give the wronged person what they need. The third thing most people need after they have been betrayed is transparency. Unlocking phones, access to email accounts, willingness to be open or call if they're late all help to put their spouse at ease. It's important to feel you spouse has nothing to hide. And the final, and in my opinion most important thing, is empathy and understanding from the spouse who cheated. A constant putting yourself in the other person's shoes. Actually imagining if they had done to me what I did to them how would I feel? Can I understand why they would react this way? The reason I believe that last one is so important is because if you don't think they get how you feel about it can you really get over it? Probably not. At best you try an push it away and just have this distance between you. At worst it permanently changes your relationship. Getting through all of this is not easy and can be a long process but the answer for most people is yes you can move on after an affair but only if you get what you need from your partner.