Can you get over an affair?

Most people say to themselves that they would never tolerate an affair. If their spouse cheated it would be over, period. Yet when faced with this situation after having built a life together, possibly a family as well, leaving is not so easy. So is it possible to learn to trust again after being so betrayed? The answer is yes, for most people. Although in order to get through this crisis you need certain things from your spouse or partner. If they are able to give you these things there is a good chance you can recover no matter how unimaginable it seems. For most of us you need four things. The first thing you need is the truth about what happened that makes sense to you. You will never feel 100% certaint that you know the truth because your spouses words may not mean much. That's why the best you can hope for is that what they tell you makes sense and they are willing to give you whatever details you feel you need. Most people who have been unfaithful are very reluctant to reveal details their partner may say they need but I have found over the years that if you really need the details, as painful as they may be, it actually does help. The second thing you need is for the partner who cheated to be willing to do whatever it takes to make things right. Even if they've gone over the same thing a hundred times, even if they feel cornered, as hard as it may be, they are willing to give the wronged person what they need. The third thing most people need after they have been betrayed is transparency. Unlocking phones, access to email accounts, willingness to be open or call if they're late all help to put their spouse at ease. It's important to feel you spouse has nothing to hide. And the final, and in my opinion most important thing, is empathy and understanding from the spouse who cheated. A constant putting yourself in the other person's shoes. Actually imagining if they had done to me what I did to them how would I feel? Can I understand why they would react this way? The reason I believe that last one is so important is because if you don't think they get how you feel about it can you really get over it? Probably not. At best you try an push it away and just have this distance between you. At worst it permanently changes your relationship. Getting through all of this is not easy and can be a long process but the answer for most people is yes you can move on after an affair but only if you get what you need from your partner.